Washington, DC -- Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has declared his campaign to be "The Second Coming," after learning that his birth certificate identifies him as the Son of God.
"I thought I might be related to Superman," Santorum said. "But to be the Son of God is something no one even imagines. Now I know why I can never seem to get my feet wet at the beach."
Santorum has a history of imposing his religious beliefs on others, so his elevation to Son of God comes as no surprise to many.
His agenda includes forcing women to birth children, requiring schools to teach fairy tales in place of science, and outlawing certain widely accepted social behaviors as "evil and sinful" -- all in the name of God.
"That birth certificate proves that I've been the chief spokesman for the big guy all the while," Santorum said. "But it's more than that. It puts me at the top of the family business. So don't be surprised if you see some new commandments coming down the ski slopes before the end of winter."
One reporter pointed out that the first son of God had to die on the cross in excruciating agony to pay for the sins of man, and asked Santorum if he was willing to do the same.
"Whoa, hold on a minute, that's Obama's debt," the Messiah replied. "I for one am not gonna get hung up over it."
The Republican candidate did, however, agree to find a solution to the fiscal crisis. "That's my family name on the money, so I'm going to make sure we honor that trust," he said.
"I think that the Federal Reserve's ability to make mountains of money appear on demand is a greater miracle than the loaves and fishes trick. Did you ever try buying a Buick with a fish?"
Asked if he could perform a miracle to further authenticate his new position as Son of God, Santorum replied: "You people should be tracking the poll numbers. They clearly show that I've already risen from the dead."
