London - A top think tank's 'knowing a cabinet minister is worth £113,000 a year' advice was being studied today as lobbyists insisted on an official sliding scale to clarify penetration of Whitehall's corridors of power.
The Centre for Economic Performances (sic) research paper which issued the estimate said today their calculations are based on recent US figures.
These show a $177,000 fall in annual income 'suffered' by American lobbyists when an (unnamed) senator they used lost orifice.
A quick glance at David Cameron's UK Cabinet list has confirmed the potential worth of such valuable associations which spoofy hacking sources have interpreted today.
A casual acquaintance with Nick Clegg (Deputy PM/Lord President of the Council with special responsibility for the Downing Street Cat) comes in at £25 per annum and/or £1,000 per intimate shag in the back of his official limo. (You sure about this bollox? -'Ed')
Chumminess with Foreign Secretary William Hague or Chancellor George Osborne is worth a tad more at £20,000 per annum on account of both ministers 'not having to empty the kitty litter when asked to by the PM's wife'.
Meanwhile Friday night gin 'n' tonic friendship with Justice Secretary Ken Clarke and Home secretary Theresa May is an arm and a leg - but only if you're a friend of Abu Qatada.
Admitting to carnal knowledge with Baroness Warsi?
You'd have to ask the Pope about the value of that one!