Bumper homegrown harvest brings Londoners austerity cheer

Funny story written by queen mudder

Monday, 15 August 2011

image for Bumper homegrown harvest brings Londoners austerity cheer
Eclipses and virile Africanised Bees have done their best to make it a bumper crop

London - Annual domestic grass production has soared in the Capital this year thanks largely to the royal weeding, global warming and Pippa Middleton's arse (WTF?? - Ed).

"It was all the eclipses that done it," an astrologically-aligned botanist from the London Herbal Windowbox & Roofganja Company said today.

"That last solar eclipse's sent urban weed mental - same as sunflowers, Century plants and me mum's Matanuska Thunderf**k F1 Hybrids."

The comments were borne out today by latest figures showing that since last year's General Election an extra 100,000 householders took up the urban weed challenge as the greenfingered bug bit Inner City Middle England.

In the Royal Borough of Kensington And Chelsea pioneering RHS trials of Skegness Skunk are said to be looking promising at a local beekeeping enthusiast's skyline roof terrace just off the Cromwell Road.

In Westminster's Belgrave Square a glass canopied extension at a former West African embassy residence is stacked from floor to ceiling with the luxuriant toxic foliage.

And at Susan Ffortescue-Smythe-Pillock's former crash pad just behind the Royal Opera House in Covent Garden an eleven foot monster has just sprouted bud in the south-facing bijou patio landscaped by Potbusters.

Around the City at Kew Gardens, the Royal Parks and RHS trial grounds like Wisley the reports all concur it's been an absolute blast for weed growers in the Capital.

Early figures suggest a London per capita harvest of five kilos taking 6 million as the City's population.

That's nearly 30 million kilos or 30,000 tonnes...

A new industry kitemark is to be launched early next month ahead of the busy annual weed auction season.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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