They're All Aboard! Biden, Brown, Calderon Announce Latest Amtrak Drug Induced Fantasy!

Funny story written by Morse

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

image for They're All Aboard! Biden, Brown, Calderon Announce Latest Amtrak Drug Induced Fantasy!
Bullet Train Wet Dream to Shoot Taxpayers in the Arse!

After losing billions of dollars since it's inception, the Government Railroad (GR), otherwise known in Washington Speak as Amtrak, has finally come up with a way to turn a profit thanks to the leadership of California Governor Jerry "Moonbeam" Brown!

In a joint press conference in Sacramento, Governor Brown, Biden, and Mexico's president Felipe Calderon announced they would be linking Mexico into the Hi Speed train boondoggle funded by the Obama administration, with matching funds supplied by Mexico for their part of the route.

The impending Obama/Biden Train wreck, the President has put Biden at the throttle, has pledged billions for high speed rail systems in the US, despite several states, realizing they would be trapped in a bottomless pit of debt, said 'thanks, but no thanks, ' and returned the funds.

California quickly gobbled up the returned funds and said they would be happy to take the money as the left coast was wallowing in debt not to mention traffic jams at the drug check points at the California/Mexican Border which was slowing down both country's revenue streams.

The first section of the California system was budgeted at $7.1B, but is already $3b-$7B over budget, and they haven't even laid the first railroad tie!

Transportation Secretary Ray The-Hood (sic) has already pledged another $179M to help get the project off the ground to insure "California's Thriving Economy continues into the future!"

California's' thriving economy' is rated on the bond market at Baa1, just below Kazakhstan, and one step below investment grade and is pondering a $20B debt gap which doesn't take into consideration looming pension obligations.

The hook up between California and Amtrak makes sense if your head is buried in your ass sitting at your desk in Washington.

Amtrak has run at a loss for it's over 40 year operation, sucking up over $1b a year since it's inception.

The line is controlled by the railroad union, is obligated to pay railroad pensions to workers from other lines it absorbed that never worked for Amtrak, and the CEO is appointed by the President of the United States...what could go wrong you may ask.

Consider that Amtrak loses anywhere from $5 to $432 per passenger depending on the route as a starter.

With a CEO being appointed by the President, the government slop bucket is considered a holding tank or rubber room for failed politicians till they get back on their feet.

Michael Dukakis comes to mind, former governor of Massachusetts who never had a problem spending other people's money and subscribing to a culture of corruption to 'get along and get ahead' who continued the derailment as CEO in 2002.

Biden vows things will be different this time saying," this is the partnership we've been waiting for! With our commitment of more money for this shovel ready project, I personally guarantee the immediate creation of 500,000 jobs, and prosperity for citizens on both sides of the border...this is a very big F****g deal, as I told the President just last night at his fund raising dinner!"

Governor Brown took over the briefing detailing Mexico's plans to build an underwater tunnel from Mazatlan to San Jose del Cabo on California's Baja peninsula.

From there, with no real human habitation and only the occasional dune buggy and atv vehicle exploring the area, Brown said construction should go quickly, promising the train would be able to reach speeds in excess of 475 mph as there would be no reason to slow down in the desolate area.

The line would then link up in San Diego by-passing American Customs, and depart "on time and under budget", according to Brown, to areas including Los Angeles, San Francisco, Sacramento and Fresno.

Brown added, as a favour to Senator Harry Reid, (D,NV) there would be a free high speed shuttle line from Los Angeles to Las Vegas running on a three day schedule, Friday night to early Monday morning, featuring high stakes poker for Hollywood stars, heavy hor d'oevres, and an open bar.

"Great, this is just what we need" said a spokesman for the DEA and ATF, " Another Government Cluster F***! They can now send more drugs to the USA that we're told we have to not only pass though the border and buy, but then we have to ship it back to them along with a bunch of automatic weapons so that we can track it all and catch 'the real criminals!"

Brown said it was a 'win, win' for both countries, and especially for California's 'thriving economy' and a 'God send' to solve the state's bulging prison population.

With the state ready to release over 37,000 prisoners due to over crowding and 'human rights', Brown said the state would undertake to 're-train' the felons and offer them jobs as track layers, conductors , baggage handlers and armed 'Train Marshals" on the government run venture.

"As you can see," said Brown before retiring to his tree house, " there really is a light at the end of the tunnel!"

The 1200 miles of high speed track is scheduled for completion in 2035 according to the Government Accounting Service (GAO).

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more