Riots not what they used to be says Brixton veteran

Funny story written by queen mudder

Monday, 8 August 2011

image for Riots not what they used to be says Brixton veteran
Veteran Brixton greengrocer's skyline allotment was badly hit 30 years ago

London - An Electric Avenue veteran of SW2's April 1981 riots has spoken of his concerns as London-wide mayhem reached Brixton Market last night.

Commenting on the violent flare-up semi-retired 'greengrocer' Stanley Aikliss said market turmoil was inevitable, innit.

"Ah seen dis riotin on mah home turf before," Aikliss grumbled.

"Filthy thievin Stockwell mob poachin on mah territory, should be a law gainst it."

The septuagenarian herbal specialist was hit badly and lost much of his working stock in the original riots 30 years ago when a mystery projectile set fire to his roof garden allotment.

The ensuing fallout saw much of Railton Road, Mayall Road, Coldharbour Lane, Leeson Road and Acre Lane decimated by looting as toxic fumes wafted over on South London's notorious 'mistral' currents.

"Now some's blemmin dat royal weddin business," Aikliss told reporters from Lively Lambeth Tonite.

"Well in '81 many waz pisst at Princess Diana's nuptials three month before it appen.

"So no excuses pliz dis time round."

Meanwhile SW2 police sources confirmed at lunchtime that a 500 metre containment field would be operational around Brixton Market following reports of 'something nasty' emanating from broken down refrigerated units.

The cold sores - er...stores! - are widely used by stall holders to overnight their top-selling gastronomic delicacy the giant live 'Africanised' snail.

Mr Aikliss was previously a target of 'bent' Granville Arcade traders whom he accused of wrecking his rebuilt rooftop biosphere haven by setting the massive molluscan class Gastropods on his tender seedlings.

Last night's rioting 'may have affected' Market power supplies resulting in the auto-asphyxiation of hundreds of the slimy Caribbean escargots.

"Heheh, damn varmint critterz all is toast!" Aikliss added.

"Wanna see pix of my hydroponics hot tub?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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