Public toilet-frequenting pop star George Michael is in trouble with authorities again, after yet another driving accident. However, this one was whilst at the helm of a nuclear submarine.
The Careless Whisper singer has only just been released early from an 8 week prison term for stacking his motor into a branch of Snappy Snaps, whilst off his delicately-coiffeured bonce on marijuana. Just days after, it is believed he was in charge of HMS Astute when it performed a similarly dense parking maneoveur into the Isle of Skye.
Rab Haggis, a 53 year old resident of the island, was one of the first on the scene.
"I came down to the beach and found this southern ponce stood by this whacking great submarine. He looked a bit out of it. Then he started asking me if you can use T-Cut on a nuclear warhead, and if I had any toast he could eat."
The Ministry of Defence has sent vessels to recover the submarine, which is believed to have suffered substantial damage.
It has also been discovered that Michael was working as a submarine pilot as part of his community service for previous driving offences. He was stationed at a naval base on the south coast, where it is believed he could make the most of his talents by "servicing seamen [sic]".
It is thought that after a heavy afternoon of cannabis, Michael thought it prudent to pop up to Scotland where he could satisfy his drug-induced craving for food with a battered pizza. With his car confiscated, he took the nearest available vehicle, which turned out to be the nuclear sub.
The inquest now starts into why a drug-addicted pop star, judged too dangerous to be on the roads, found it so easy to drive off with Britain's nuclear deterrent unchallenged. An MoD spokesman admitted:
"In retrospect, security does seem a little lax. You would've thought we'd learned our lesson from when Andrew Ridgeley nicked that tank and spazzed it into an Aldi. And come to think of it, I'm sure there was something a couple of years back involving Kajagoogoo and a zeppelin."