Oxshitt, Slurry - (Ass Mess): A convoy of UK tabloid reporters has jammed the A244 Warren Lane in Oxshott Heath, Surrey amid more squalid revelations in the press about Chelsea and England captain John Terry's love life.
The location was once designated as an area of outstanding natural beauty.
Today it is home to dozens of wannabe celeb wives and girfriends of Premiership footballers who have colonised the leafy avenues south of the A3 roundabout.
John and Toni Terry's home is a £3 million neo-Georgian redprick mansion, just a stoner's throw away from the footballer's mother and mother-in-law.
West Ham midfielder Scott Parker and Chelsea midfielder Joe Cole live just over the road in what estate agents describe as 'arguably among the most eyecatching contemporary residences ever to secure record-breaking prices and agency commissions'.
Meanwhile England player Ashley Cole and his wife Cheryl Tweedy Cole - aka the poison dwarf of the premiership - are a two minute drive down the road.
Renowned architecture critic Nikolaus Pevsner once described their mock-Tudorbethan trainwreck of a modernist palace as one of the best reasons to move away. To anywhere.
And Vanessa Perroncel?
The busty French ligerie model lives slap bang in the middle in ex-lover Wayne Bridge's swanky £3 million excuse for an Edwardian villa.
So far she hasn't had her marching orders since the bust-up last December.
But all that could change as the next seismic tremor hits the residents of this Wisteria Lane-esque corner of Little England.
"Reckon Vanessa's a kind of Terri Hatcher in the making," Mrs Doris Wilmop of Acacia Drive commented today.
"Besides, I've seen it all. On the telly."