Man Commits Suicide After Hearing Too Much Terrible News

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

image for Man Commits Suicide After Hearing Too Much Terrible News
Chimp's TV today

Police in in the Midlands have this morning released details of an absolute tragedy in the case of a man who may have taken his own life after apparently becoming 'fed up' of the constant stream of terribly Bad News issuing from his TV set.

Forrest Chimp, 45, left a note saying that he could take no more bad news, and that, although he wouldn't be around to see it happen, he hoped things would start to get better soon.

Mr Gump went on to highlight the kind of things that have been getting on his nerves:

Increased crime levels, severity of crime and attacks against the person, knife crime, gun crime, the housing crisis, the Credit Crunch, the mortgage crisis, the government constantly losing discs containing sensitive information, rising prices in the shops, unemployment, poor performances by the England football team, NHS waiting lists, failing schools, bullying, drugs in society, teenage pregnancies, teenage prostitution, 11-year-olds on the Pill, fake documents, fake doctors, fake passports, the rise in paedophilia, overflowing prisons, bent coppers, Terrorism, Global Warming, Climate Change, Greenhouse gases, rising floodwaters, hurricanes, typhoons, earthquakes, tsunamis, famine, drought, Big Brother, shrinking economies, Kevin Keegan, Andy Murray, Hadron Collider, black holes, end-of-the-world, inability to speak Polish and rain, rain, rain to name but a few.

Mr Chimp had asked his neighbours what they thought about the declining standards in Britain, and what should be done about it, but, he said in his letter:

"They just shrugged their shoulders and said "that's life" whereas I didn't think it was. There's never any good news. I thought it was time for a change of scenery."

Mr Chimp was found slumped in his armchair by his neighbour Paul Gump yesterday morning, after Mr Gump heard the deceased smashing his television set to pieces. Despite this, it was still transmitting the BBC news, and it's thought the dead man might possibly have been ny overcome by noxious news fumes.

Toxicology test are being carried out for any signs of News poisoning.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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