To Succeed Today In American TV News: Be Tall, Built, Gorgeous, And Have Long Blond Hair!

Funny story written by Natowsky

Sunday, 24 August 2008


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Forget the lipstick! Today's female reporters are better than their male counterparts!

Sex is rampant everywhere in the U.S. Now, the latest phenom. The new channels across America are selling flesh and looks, as much as reporting the news.

What's new? Well, how about an avalanche trend of female reporters and achors who are tall, built, drop-dead gorgeous (literally, every one a trophy wife, and de rigueur long blond hair that overlaps the shoulders by about 3-4 inches).

In the midst of this clearly mad dash for ratings, we are seeing fewer and fewer male reporters/anchors and especially reporters, who are apparently cloned, blond and luscious...and smart! Put away the blond jokes! Possibly, a U.S. Defense Department Secret to occupy our adversaries' minds???

Recently Columbia University in New York City rated the NYC Fox TV studios and convinced 6 drop-dead blond reporters to come to the Ivy League school for a test. All were, also, 6 foot even. All the female reporters were about the same physically and were given the same very expensive blouse, skirt, pantie hose, bras, and circular gold earrings. All were made up the same in makeup by the best on Madison Avenue, Simply Brucie. Then, the 6 were put into a lineup room with one-way mirror. A statistical number of male seniors were then individually asked to rate the 6 from 'most hottie' to 'least hottie' (for 5 minutes each).

Then, the 6 women were randomly mixed up. The students were asked again to rate the hotties from most hottie to least hottie. The tests, which took 5.5 hours, were then scored. And, found: the recollection rate of hottest hottie to lowest hottie was only 17.2 percent correlation, meaning only 1 in 6 males could rank the hotties in the same high to low order as originally viewed.

Clearly, the Networks, CNN, and especially Fox (is that a coincidence?) want a Stepford Wives 'sameness of blonds.' And, as Dr. Otto Friedlander, researcher, stated, "Za lady vants a look to exzite za male. It doesn't truly metter vich blond goes on screen, as the male shimply vants tall, buxom, vide-butted, and gorgeous legs. And, face like za goddess."

I, myselve, vatch Fox news from 6 AM to 9 AM, M-Fri. I like zat Gretchen Carlson! Vow!!! She iss a knockout. Zen, zee skirts are short to expose enough thigh, vile vearing very seductive panythose, so zat the male is transfixed on zeh crossed legs hoping they slip briefly and catch a look higher up, much more exziting."

Viewership of females has remained steady over the last 3 years on Fox (6-9 AM) while male viewership has gone up by 10, 25, and 34%, respectively, over the same past 3 years.

Said Rush Franklin of IBM, "Hey I get to the office at 8 AM and then for an hour I stare at Gretchen Carlson on Fox, especially, that area with crossed legs. Fox is very foxy! I wish she'd stand, so I could see her other attributes. I can extrapolate as all guys do and know her rear has got to be a tribute to womankind. I listen to the news, but half the time I imagine being with to discuss the news! Fox you have a winner!"

Surveys also show that these are not dumb blonds, as the past might suggest. These professionals are from good colleges and universities, well spoken, articulate, and ask very perceptive questions. And, Gretchen's a riot. Thanks Fox!

© 2008 Newscasting Today

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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