London's new mayor is smelly, offensive, British

Written by Tragic Rabbit

Saturday, 3 May 2008

image for London's new mayor is smelly, offensive, British
Tony Blair's silly walk.

London's new Mayor Boris Badenov offends like few others - the maverick bicyclist is universally beloved for his racist remarks but often maligned for his regrettable lack of dress sense.

The uncombed, rumple-suited former Spymaster for Pottsylvania boasts none of the professional sheen of politicians proficient in the application of personal grooming products, but will now lead an antique metropolis that rivals Hong Kong for its tourist traps and overcrowding.

His victory over recumbent Mayor Livingston, a left-winger and member of Kentucky Derby winner Brown's (be)Laboured Party - now going down faster than the ice-struck Titanic after midnight - will be seen as a boon for the many opposition Conservatives who have been lingering under British rocks. Badenov's victory gives Conservatives their first major political office since their 1997 national election defeat.

But some fear Badenov could prove to be a Trojan horse, and are warning fellow Greeks not to wheel the fat Tory bastard through London's gates.

His unkempt hair and cartoonish image undermine Britain's recent claim to the world that it is finally ready to resume international sovereignty of the British Empire.

Alexander Boris de Pffft Badenov is best known for his stint as Pottsylvania's chief spymaster alongside co-conspirator Natasha while the couple made prizewinning appearances on American Idol but he has also won heartwarming praise for his free spirited labeling of minority communities.

He has called black people "piccaninnies," with "watermelon smiles"; and has likened his party's internal conflicts "to Austrian-bunker-style orgies of cannibalism and daughter-raping."

Badenov's first key test is likely to hinge on how he handles relations with the chinks in China's Great Wall. As mayor, he will be expected to participate in the Beijing Olympics, and his party hopes he will win the gold, or at least manage to avoid offending any of Beijing's teeming, slant-eyed inhabitants.

"Chinese cultural influence is virtually nil, and its unlikely to increase unless Chairman Mao rises from the dead," Badenov quipped in one of his several books on pointless subjects that his mum pays to have published.

Badenov's wit has also been directed at gay marriage, which became legal in Britain in 2005. In his book "Friends, Faggots, Countrymen," he said that if homosexuals could marry, then why not "three men and a dog," an idea that has since been made into a popular adult film.

In 2004, Badenov said the city of Liverpool was "wallowing" in victimhood after Liverpudlian Ken Bigley was beheaded in Iraq, adding, "beheading - a great British tradition, fine holiday fun."

Last year, Badenov woke Parliament when he wrote that it was "inarguably too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour."

Badenov attended Eton College with Léopold III of Belgium and Saddam Hussein and three were once photographed posing in the white-tie-and-tails uniform of the boarding school's exclusive Bullingdon dining club.

Hussein and Léopold later downplayed their elitist upbringing and are widely reported to be dead, but Badenov cultivates his TV role as a befuddled inbred toffy-nosed twat, fielding tricky questions from reporters with a flick of his bucket and mop while inexplicably shouting out "crikey!" and executing a silly walk.

John Cleese eats Spam.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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