With the not unexpected demise of ‘Boris the Buffoon’ at the hands of the finest ‘Assassination Bureau’ this side of the black stump we are witnessing an unprecedented stampede of Tory wannabe’s all gagging for their few months of fame as a Prime Minister.
Such is the volume of no hopers lining up in anticipation of ‘winning’ the converted position that it has been secretly arranged, by certain faceless money men, (they who covertly run the country) that the selection process be handed over to none other than Simone Cashcow that well known 21st Century Svengali and destroyer of all talent and music.
The initial idea will involve a prime time take on, ‘Britain’s Got Talent, ’ that never ending annual shit show so beloved by the underpaid grafting masses, the format will be easy to ‘tweak’, cheap to produce and a guaranteed a rating winner…. with anyone who’s remotely interested.
Working titles currently being considered, subject to copyright approval and various backhanders, range from, ‘Britain has Shysters’, ‘Blankety Blank Bastards’, ‘Take Your Pick 2022’, ‘Double your Offshore Accounts’ and ‘Call my Bluff…If You Dare’.
However, it is rumoured that Simone has already had a few hissy fits and demands option one and what Simone wants he usually gets, albeit Amanda Holden still refuses to let him bugger her and David Walliams totally refuses to give him any more hand jobs without a pay rise!
Needless to say, those well lubricated and talentless Siamese twins, Antondec, will be on board to generally giggle, wet and defecate themselves from the wings as each Tory hopeful performs his, her or its party piece before an expected viewing audience of at least 20, 000 staunch Tory viewers…. possibly less.
Each Tory wannabe will be given 90 seconds in front of the judges during which time they will have to fully detail how they intend to get ‘Great Britain’ out of the total shitfest its currently in.
The Judges in turn will each have bullhorns at their disposal (in Amanda’s case, just the horn) and can blast any useless cunt of a contender to oblivion during the first 30 seconds of their respective drivel.
The famous ‘Golden Buzzer’ will be used with one difference, should any Tory shyster make a particular Judge an offer she, he or it cannot refuse then they will go straight through to the final round.
With Boris hanging in until sometime in the autumn it is expected that ‘Britain Has Shysters’ will play via three deciding heats, those who are voted off will be allowed to commit suicide or defect to the Labour Party…whichever is less painful!
Heat two will involve each remaining wannabe to divulge all past, present and anticipated perversions and those considered the most tabloid worthy will go through to the final round.
Come the big night of the Finals and things will really be spectacular as Simone is currently negotiating with HMP The Verne, near Portland, Dorset for the day release of one, Gary Shitter.
The latter will headline and close the show once the final contestants and new cabinet are formed and be performing the new proposed Conservative Anthem a remixed version of, “I’m the Leader of the Gang” as the new PM is crowned live by guest Judge Alan Carr.
Kate Burley has begged Simone for a free pair of tickets as she wants to treat RMT leader Mick Lynch a night out and hopefully, have a bit of fun with his ‘picket line’ later that evening.