With the retirement-in-shame of Boris Johnson, now Larry, the cat and Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office (to my non-British readers, yes, this is a real thing) 10 Downing Street, has been crowed the ‘King of the Britons’!
(The ‘oo? ‘Oo-er the Britons? We all are; I didn’t vote for you … etc, we all know the skit.)
Larry has already sent word from his litter box that new laws will become effective immediately.
First, all people of Great Britain must heretofore learn how to fish, and to bring at least one fish to the King once a week.
Those Britons who are unable to fish will keep and milk dairy cows, and provide the His Majesty with at least one bowl of milk a day.
And for those Britons who can do neither, they must build scratching posts, little plastic ‘mice’ with fur glued on for the King to chase during his annual “Mouse Hunt” with the others cats of his cabinet. And of course someone is going to have to have a ball of yarn ready for “the King’s pleasure” at all times.
If anyone is seen making fun of the King while he is licking his balls … it’s the Tower for you, mate!
(The Tower will heretofore be made of scratchy material and have little dangly furry balls hanging off it … oh my, this is getting complicated and obscene, innit? I may have to stop writing this article so as not to enrage His Majesty’s back fur and have him flick his tail and do that scary moan cats do when they’re pissed off.)
When His Majesty coughs up a fur ball, it shall become the basis of the British pound.
King Larry’s hissing and purring shall become the new national anthem.
Some have laughed, but most politicians and law-makers have stated that the new King Larry is “refreshing”, “astute”, “a cat for the people!”, “better than that last bloody lot”, and “adorable!”.
(Those calling the King adorable in public may find themselves in the stocks.)
Now be good little kitties and obey your new leader … still “better than all the rest”.