Britain imposes pathetic "sanctions" on Russia

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Tuesday, 22 February 2022

image for Britain imposes pathetic "sanctions" on Russia
Putin prepares to take a dump over a map of Kiev

As Russian tanks roll into Ukraine, fingers are being pointed. But fingers are not guns and NATO is reluctant to send troops to defend. So it has been left to Western countries to try to persuade the Russians to stop the madness by cutting funding to Putin's friends.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced a set of sanctions earlier today. He said, "At my local gentleman's club, I have insisted that Putin's wealthy supporters Geoff Putout and Olly Garkov, will no longer be permitted to the cigar lounge. I know they are good chaps, but I really must insist that we punish them."

The Russian pair, who own multiple properties in London, will also be denied credit on their Harrods accounts and will be banned from buying any football clubs for at least three years.

NATO allies were disgusted at the lame response. New German Chancellor Steinmeier said, "Here we have just cut off the new Russian gas pipeline, which will have a major effect on our own gas supply. Why can't the UK make similar efforts? They could freeze the assets of Putin's associates, who are very powerful in Russia."

Johnson has said that he will not introduce further sanctions, explaining that, "It's just not cricket. We can't stop a chap from being able to access his billions. What if he needs to buy another yacht"?

Johnson has since been sidelined from NATO's negotiations. German NATO spokesman Helmut Spike, said he believed Johnson was a liability. "Johnson is half Russian himself - why else would he give himself a made-up Russian name. Also there is the fact that the KGB call him Johnsonski and that he looks like a potato."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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