For years it has been a vague Tory promise to level the North, promoted endlessly by the PM as a hopeful slogan. This week the detailed plans have finally been published in a fifty page report, and Northerners are unlikely to be pleased.
It explains: "From Newcastle to Liverpool, the North will be flattened using a combination of steamrollers and dropping large rocks from a great height."
Around 15 million people live there, and the plans would destroy homes, factories and even the very hills that make up the area. However, the project would generate an estimated 50,000 jobs and a billion tonnes of rubble. A company run by Tory MP Geoff Munt has already offered to carry out the work for cash in hand.
"The North would be so flat that we could build the world's largest car park there," bragged Munt. "Also we could rent it out for bowling competitions. The spirit level industry have declared an interest too - there are so many opportunities."
Some critics of the plans have pointed out that a levelled North would be exposed to flooding, as well as the potential for invading Scottish armies to roll over it. "I understand the excellent reasons for doing it, but we must consider the costs," said Huddersfield's MP Barry Dribble. "I would need at least a £30 bribe to agree to it."
