In a desperate attempt to distract attention from his failures, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has appointed top-hatted Victorian gentleman Jacob Rees-Mogg as Brexit Minister.
The news comes in the same week that the government's own figures reveal that Brexit has shrunk UK exports by over 10%. Nevertheless, the job of the Brexit Minister is to keep a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity, and defy even the truth.
"Our main goal is to break down the Franco-Prussian alliance," said Rees-Mogg in his first statement as Brexit Minister. "In particular, we wish to prevent Bismarck from building up a naval presence in the North Sea."
Rees-Mogg has also revealed his approach to international trade. "We need to encourage trade from the colonies," he said, "including tea from India and wool from Australia. Also we need to grow lots of opium for sale in China. I shall order an ironclad frigate to sail there immediately to show the Chinese Emperor we mean business."
He also enthused about the superiority of British technology. "I heard of a chap named Fogg, who using steam power alone was able to travel around the world in under 80 days. It really is a marvel and proof of how we can continue to dominate the world into the next century."
