The Tories are in deep trouble - their leader is suffering a death of a thousand cuts, largely self-inflicted. From Partygate to people realising he's a twat with a deliberately stupid haircut, things are not going well for the Prime Minister. Yet Johnson himself refuses to admit he is in danger. "It's only a flesh wound," he would say, but in pig Latin because that's the type of arsehole he is.
After this week's latest scandal (and even with The Spoof's slow publishing time, it doesn't matter which week I'm referring to), Johnson appears close to being kicked out. Yet the Tories cannot ditch him without knowing who his successor might be, because they want a leader who stands a chance at winning the next election.
The two main candidates are geeky schoolboy Rishi "Rich" Sunak, whose personal wealth is so great that his current role as chancellor is like a weekly shop to him; then there is chirpy but dim-witted Liz Truss - to call her pea-brained would be an insult to peas.
One Conservative spokesman described the party as being like an indecisive transsexual, in that "we want to get rid of our Johnson, but we don't want to replace him with a c**t."
In the meantime Johnson blunders on, oblivious to the chaos that surrounds him. This week he enjoyed playing at being a statesman and travelling to Ukraine. His phone conversation with Putin was the equivalent of sending Jimmy Krankie to Yalta to negotiate with Stalin.
"At least he's entertaining," said a wanker who voted for him.
