Police swooped into a Wetherspoon's early this morning to arrest a male suspected of wanking in a public toilet that is marked Disabled Only.
Police say after breaking the door down with brutal force they entered to find the man on his back with his pants around his ankles, screaming help me and flailing his legs in the air as if he was trying to ride an invisible bike.
Police say the man on his back had his hand around his genitals and was "clearly wanking himself silly".
Police say they cuffed the man and slung him into the back of the van and drove him straight into custody. No sticky pudding was involved.
Whilst the man was being interrogated the station received a call from the pub landlord who said "yeah, you dragged that bloke out of our toilet and put him in jail. You left his wheelchair here with the wheels still spinning in the air like fairground rides in a distant sky. We assume he is going to need his wheelchair so you'd better hurry up and come pick it up. If you don't pick it up within the hour it's going in the bin."
The cops would have been there well within the hour had they not stopped for apple crumble and rhubard custard.
The man was released, and as a gesture of goodwill, carried home.