Do You Recall Your First Sexual Experience?

Funny story written by P.J. Maggitti

Tuesday, 9 March 2021

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Most people can recall their first sexual experience, but judging from the responses to the 2021 Postcards from the Pug Bus Sex Survey, not everyone puts a smiley face on that memory. A total of 1,167 people responded to the Pug Bus survey. This penetrating study, the most authoritative of its kind since the Kinsey Report, ripped the covers off startling facts about the first-time sexual experiences of typical Americans.

Survey participants were asked to complete the following statement: "My first sexual experience was . . ." The choices, which ranged from "awesome" to "illegal in most Southern states", also included "anticlimactic", "costly", and "self-inflicted".

The largest percentage of those surveyed, 31 percent, described their first sexual experience as "anticlimactic".

"This obviously indicates that premature ejaculation, especially among virgins, is more common than previously thought," said television's Dr. Phil. "In a sense, a lot of people broke the toy before they got it out of the box."

The second largest cohort, 29 percent, described their first sexual experience as "awesome". Whether this was a consequence of beginners' luck, faulty memory, or self-deception, is a question for further study.

Interestingly, 23 percent of the respondents described their first sexual experience as "illegal in most Southern states".

"There are a number of possible explanations for that response," said Dr. Phil. "Outdated Sabbath laws that remain on the books in many Southern states is the simplest one. What's perfectly legal on Saturday night, fellatio in a moving motor vehicle, for example, is against the law on Sunday morning, especially within five hundred yards of a church.

"In other cases, sex with llamas or junior high school cheerleaders, to name just two, are illegal 24/7/365. If you do that in Dixie, you're gonna do time."

The next most popular response category, "self-inflicted", is the most difficult to interpret. Just 15 percent of the respondents said their first sexual experience came in their own hands. Perhaps the old myths about going blind or growing hair on one's palms are more influential than we know. Perhaps people who chose "self-inflicted" misread the question. Future editions of the survey will need to get a better grip on this issue.

Finally, just 3 percent of respondents to the survey described their first sexual experience as costly. One suspects that this question was the most age-specific. As people get older, their first sexual experiences tend to become more expensive, for obvious reasons.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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