In his latest U-turn, Boris Johnson has heralded herd immunity as the golden path to obliterating the coronavirus.
"I will no longer tolerate this sanctimonious deference and Pecksniffian capitulation with regard to Covid 19. I will not allow a feeble little virus to blight my premiership tenure. Herd immunity is the only way to rid the world of this. Those who have not contracted the disease by 30. November will be fined heavily and subjected to special NHS measures."
Johnson pointed out that some areas, such as Holmfirth in Yorkshire and Gresham in Norfolk had not yet suffered any outbreak of the virus, no hospital overloads and no deaths. This was ridiculous and grossly unfair against the backcloth of confusion, hardship and anguish endured by the remaining parts of the country. The whole issue was dragging on for too long and someone, namely the PM, had to put an end to it.
"The undiscerning or intransigent will be penalized monetarily to the tune of 10,000 pounds. We're gonna throw the book at them! No good hiding; we'll sniff you out.! Once we've all had it and got rid of it, it'll be gone. Those who have not contracted by the end of November will be duly fined, tucked into a bed with a chronically sick Covid 19 patient without a mask, or locked in a room with patients awaiting one of the nation's few breathing machines. I'm afraid I can see no other alternative."
Acolytes of the PM were swift to express their appreciation and support. Home Secretary Priti Patel and Health Secretary Mtt Hancock laid a bouquet of thanks at the steps of 10 Downing Street and licked the door's varnish in the hope of contracting Covid, but subsequent tests proved negative. "Well, actually I thought the test questions were quite difficult..." moaned Hancock.
This could be an uphill battle...