For years, it was the love that dared not speak its creamy name. Queen Victoria famously said of secundophilia, "Any passion between a man and a pudding is abhorrent and unnatural."
Until the 1950s, it was not uncommon for people caught pudding-fucking to be locked up in stocks and have various desserts thrown at them - to tantalise them as much as humiliate them.
Geoff Custard is a self-confessed pudding-fucker. "It starts off with a jelly or a mousse. Before you know it, you move onto cakes, blancmanges, and entire knickerbocker glories. But it's an irresistible urge. I've known I've been a trifle queer since I was old enough to hold a dessert spoon."
The Prime Minister has directly blamed secundaphiles for contributing to the recent increase in the infection rate. During a press conference last week, he attacked them directly. "They have their cakey parties, and it's not Eton Mess they're eatin'," he said. "It's far sloppier than any biscuit I've ever had. It should be illegal, and it's no trifling matter."
Custard was unimpressed by the PM's outburst. "It's outrageous for him to pick on us," he said. "I meet up once a week with a few fellow pudding lovers to share our feelings, and usually we share a pie or a spotted dick as well, but it's no different from other people who have been meeting up. I even wore a mask when I made love to a nice tart last weekend."
Yet hate crimes against secundaphiles have spiked since Boris Johnson's statement. Thirty seven such incidents have been reported to the police in the last week, including allegations of an underground tiramisu ring in Hartlepool.
"Boris Johnson is just blaming us for his own incompetence," said Custard. "He should stick to what he was elected for, and get us a good Breakfast deal with the EU."
