Geoff Shitter, 47, of Bishop's Prepuce, wiped his arse clean with toilet paper today, after taking a large dump.
"Ooh, it were right satisfying," said the unemployed logger. "I barely had to squeeze at all." He said that the large turd dropped out of his bowels with minimal effort on his part. "I don't like to push too hard, as it aggravates me piles."
Mr Shitter took eight clumps of toilet roll to clean his anus, using about six to nine sheets each time. He explained that he likes to fold the toilet paper to make it thicker when he rubs it against his bumhole. "I hate it when a finger breaks through. That is literally the worst thing in the world."
After completing each hand movement to gather dung from his entangled bum hair, he checked it to see if he was finished. He explained that he has a system for judging how much faeces is still stuck to his arse by looking at how much he can see on the toilet paper. "I check for the dark brown. Eight clumps is usually enough, and if some gets left behind, well who cares, anyway?"
Mr Shitter finished his excretion by flushing the toilet, then using a toilet brush to wipe some excess poop that had become stuck to the side of the bowl.
"I can't wait for the next one!" he exclaimed.