Elton John denier cult growing in popularity

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 18 July 2020

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Everyone loves to imagine a pianist

In a pub in the Middlesex countryside, an awkward group gathers in secret. I, Sir Geoffroy Cockface, have come along undercover to find out more about these strange people. They are Elton John deniers, and, within fifteen minutes, they have convinced me that the bespectacled singer is fictional.

"Have you ever seen him?" asked the moustachioed Isambard Wi. "How do we even know he exists? We only have that nonsense biography film made of him a few years ago. There are, literally, no records that could prove otherwise."

Their argument is certainly solid, until I remembered that balding songwriter, Bernie Taupin, worked with Elton John for many years. But Wi, who is clearly no halfwit, has an answer for that.

"Bernie is real, obviously," he said, putting his hand on my knee. "But he is delusional. He thinks that he has seen Sir Elton, but it is no more than his imagination."

I could not fault the logic. After all, as another member said, why would anyone seriously write an album with the title "Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy". It had to be a joke.

The group are now ten-strong, although they claim thousands more members on the internet. One of them, a part-time Elton impersonator, even has his own YouTube channel, where he debunks sightings of the famous nonexistent singer. "The shadows are always wrong," he says. "That's how you know they're all fake."

I left them shortly after the first half of their meeting. The second half was devoted to removing all Elton John songs from the pub jukebox, which I had no interest in doing. Instead I pondered what I had learned. It really did seem as though Elton John had lived his life like a panda in the wind.

It only raised more questions. Who created him? Why? What did they hope to gain? I'll have to go back next week to find out.

The Elton John Deniers meet in the Wild Goose pub in Pinner at 17:30 on Tuesdays.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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