Statistics reveal more sub-genres of Heavy Metal than metal fans

Funny story written by sean hodgson

Wednesday, 22 July 2020

image for Statistics reveal more sub-genres of Heavy Metal than metal fans
It weighs a ton

The Office for National Statistics have identified more than seven million five hundred thousand genres/sub-genres of Heavy Metal, some of which is music.

Geoff, a manager at the ONS, in charge of the entertainment/music/popular/rock/heavy-metal categorisation department/division/subdivision/section/unit/team/squad, said,
‘This sub-genre approach is ridiculous.’

Academics considering ways to reduce sub-genres believe using the visceral disdain of one set of headbangers of another set of headbangers sub-genre to ‘Hunger Games it out’, maybe the answer - a natural cull.

‘Out in the wild, there aren’t these many breeds,’ said Professor Greengage. ‘It’s only because they are allowed to stay unnaturally protected in their bedroooms at their parents' homes that they flourish. Once required to grow up and interact with normal people, they calm down and become less pedantry of their sub-genre interest. And, if one should ever get a girlfirend, then he’s virtually recovered.’

Some go the other way, as in the case of Billy O’Lox. ‘I thought I had a girlfriend, but I realised she was into Norse Pagan Metal not North Norse Pagan Metal, so she couldn’t have been my girlfriend, could she?’

‘Billy, without a girlfriend, returned to his bedroom and sank into a period of deep, deep self-multiplication and subdivision,’ said Professor Greengage. ‘He became equally disgusted by, yet fanatically passionate about, dozens of new sub-genres.’

‘That’s great,’ said Geoff from the ONS, ‘dozens more - when’s that cull starting?’

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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