Police close to catching The Ripper

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 16 July 2020

image for Police close to catching The Ripper
British police officers have large helmets to hide a cup of tea inside

London police have announced that they are close to catching Jack "the Ripper", a notorious serial killer who slew five prostitutes in the East End in the 1880s. Using new DNA analysis and forensic techniques, they have made progress in their hunt for the murderer.

"It's been a long case," said Constable Geoff Helmet. "But I think we've finally cracked it."

Helmet explained that the police force had found two unique genetic markers that would help identify the Ripper. DNA evidence indicates that he had a gluten allergy, and that although the hair on his head was black, he had ginger pubes.

"We are looking for a 180-year-old man with a ginger pubis, who doesn't eat bread. Although his hair may have faded to grey, considering his age, or he may be wearing a merkin."

He added, "Also, the Ripper could be eating gluten-free bread now. It might have been easier if we'd known that thirty years ago, before that became so widely available."

Although no murders have been officially ascribed to the Ripper in over a hundred years, police are keeping an open mind. Helmet said, "People go missing all the time. Most of them are probably due to the Ripper, still killing after all these years. It would certainly explain a lot."

If any readers have seen a man fitting the Ripper's description, they should notify their local police station. Officers will begin door-to-door enquiries in Barking next week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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