Karen calls police on herself after extended tanning session

Written by Amiko Aventurista

Thursday, 25 June 2020

image for Karen calls police on herself after extended tanning session
Who will protect you from me?

Multiple police cars, including some with canine attack dogs, responded to an urgent call for help from a woman at the Massage Envy salon this afternoon in Scottsdale. The woman called 911 and identified herself as Karen. According to the 911 recording released by Scottsdale Police, Karen was frightened by a "dark-skinned" woman at the far end of the hallway, staring at her.

Scottsdale SWAT surrounded Massage Envy, and, after several hours of searching and arresting several African-American and Puerto Rican women, Police Chief Ed Parker called off the search. When detectives recreated the scene, they soon discovered Karen scared herself after looking in the mirror having spent five hours in the tanning booth.

A clearly embarrassed Karen spoke to reporters after the incident. "I'm not a racist. I didn't realize I was in the tanning booth for five hours. Oh, my god! I was pasty white, and simply wanted to rid myself of this Casper feeling. As I learned from mom, when you see a dark-skinned person, you can never be too careful," said Karen.

"On behalf of Massage Envy, I want to be very clear--we welcome all customers and reject discrimination," said Liz Westin. "To demonstrate our commitment to racial equity, Massage Envy will offer free tanning for all our Black customers for the next 30 days."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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