Top secret criminal network has been penetrated by Cressida Dick’s crack squad

Funny story written by sean hodgson

Tuesday, 7 July 2020

image for Top secret criminal network has been penetrated by Cressida Dick’s crack squad
Didn't achieve much but the overtime was great

‘The success of this operation will spoil things for criminals for weeks or days, or at least until this afternoon,’ said Commissioner Dick. ‘I am convinced this is a major contribution to the disruption of organised crime and even some disorganised crime.’

A top secret anonymous Mr Big by the name of Bryan Steeplegate said: ‘I’m annoyed and irritated. In fact, I feel quite disrupted. Plus I watch my carbs, so don’t call me Mr Big.’

‘We’ve penetrated many networks, drug, gun, and prostitution networks, but never penetrated anything so secret before,’ said one of the crack squad's undercover officers, ‘but we want it on record we’re not a crack squad - never touch the stuff, you don’t know where it’s been.’

‘We routinely monitor dark web comunication networks such as WeSellAnyStolenCar.com, CompereTheKalashnikov.com and other covert fronts,’ said Commissioner Dick, ‘but It took us 4 years to see the relevance of CrimsChitChat.com.’

‘We dismissed it as a ‘sitting-around-on-bean-bags-self-help-group’ thing, a sort of Criminals Anonymous,’ said a different undercover officer, ‘but we were wrong.’

Some police officers have been heard muttering ‘I’ve never seen anything like this in my 35-year career.’ But a police spokesperson denied this, saying, ‘It’s not true, we don’t mutter, and we don’t have anyone on the squad who’s been around that long, except those two old muttering coppers that couldn’t get out of the van and haven’t seen anything like this in their career. Do you mean those two?’

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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