A nice day out at the castle

Written by T. Loaf

Wednesday, 27 May 2020

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Bah bah lockdown, have you any lies...

After the Prime Minister's guru had declared driving to be the way of testing eyesight, thousands have set out on trips up and down the motorways and country lanes of Britain, to ascertain their quality of vision.

"Best if you test it from all sides," explained Peter Fry, "cos you don't know which way the sun's coming. He'd driven from Plymouth to Carlisle with his family and neighbours, and then on to Dumbarton in Scotland, before returning to the south of England at night. "Night driving is particularly tricky for your eyes. Always better to check them first. Indeed, any father with integrity would do so."

Meanwhile, the quaint setting of Barnard Castle was proving a magnet with eyesight-motorist tourists. "People want to sit on the bench Cummings and his wife sat on," explained a local officer. More than 500 Conservative party members signed up on Tuesday for a pilgrimage to the area. On account of social distancing rules, only 12 were allowed to board each bus at Victoria, and today a convoy of 41 coaches trundled up to County Durham. "It's majestic," said a Tory lady. "I can understand why he came here. So romantic. But then, that's Dominic...such a sweet man, and I do love his tracksuit trousers. Do they play badminton in Downing Street? My husband was very good at that."

Souvenirs were available, including tea towels with pictures of Cummings and his wife on them, as well as T-shirts printed 'The Exceptional One'. A life-size Boris was also on sale, which whispers "Would I lie to you..?" when you press its tummy.

"A true visionary, our Dominic. We're so pleased to have him. Another scone, Marjorie?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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