In news that surprised nobody at all, leading adviser to the PM, Dominic Cummings, has been unmasked as a liar, a hypocrite and an arrogant self-serving twat who refuses to acknowledge any errors he has made.
"When I drove 260 miles during the lockdown, that wass fine," he slimed in an interview on the lawn of 10 Downing Street, while slugs could be seen scrabbling away from his malodorous presence.
"But you shouldn't do that," he rasped. "You should stay at home. You should have stayed at home. But not any more, you can go out now. Thanks to uss, it's OK to go outside now. You can drive 260 miles if you want. Ssss!" He then grabbed a slug from the grass next to him, and swallowed it whole.
There have been calls from across the political spectrum for Cummings to resign, even from fellow Tories. Conservative MP Lord Benedict Cummerbund said, "In my day, if a chap did a rotten thing, he would bally well admit it and resign. He can always climb his way back up the greasy pole again if he wants to, but he has to go back to the bottom. That's Eton rules. We all remember being at the bottom, with naught but a nanny and father's second home to live off."