Government's Online Covid-19 Press Conference Facility Taken Down After 30 Minutes

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 12 May 2020

image for Government's Online Covid-19 Press Conference Facility Taken Down After 30 Minutes
What were the numbers in last week's National Lottery?

An online government question submission form provided so that the general public might have their concerns aired at a press conference on the Coronavirus, has had to be taken offline, after it was abused by people asking the most stupid questions imaginable.

It lasted just 30 minutes.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was clearly expecting questions about self-isolating, social-distancing, symptoms, treatment, and when the workforce can expect to get back to its everyday routine, but that wasn't quite what happened.

A sign of what was to come was when Derek from Manchester asked when FA Cup final tickets would be going on sale.

In another football-related submission, Steve from Doncaster posted:

"We've been advised to play sport with members of our close family, but my wife isn't very good at football. Is it OK if I don't pick her?"

Shane from Norwich was concerned about work. He asked:

"I'm a drug dealer. Is this classed as essential work?"

Chantelle, from Preston, wanted to know:

"If I get COVID-19, will I get more Universal Credit?"

Betty from London said she felt awful asking, but:

"what were the winning numbers in last Saturday's National Lottery draw?"

And so on.

It was left to Myke from Oaf-on-Sea in East Yorkshire, to pose the most ridiculous question of the day. He asked:

"Is the lockdown such a good idea? I mean, for it to be successful, wouldn't everyone on the planet have to isolate themselves from everyone else for the 14 days or whatever, so that the virus COULD NOT spread? If anyone, anywhere breaks the lockdown, and just happens to infect someone else, isn't it the case that a new 14-day lockdown cycle would start, and so on indefinitely until EVERYONE IN THE WORLD observed the 14-day isolation rule, and the virus had nowhere to spread to?"

Politicians on both sides of the house were shocked at the questions, and were confounded by the last one, which sounded as if it might have been half-serious.

Wendy from Tredegar posed the last question:

"What will happen if birds and other animals get the virus?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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