Nurses get the clap from grateful patients

Written by Cleopatra Chaos

Friday, 27 March 2020

image for Nurses get the clap from grateful patients
Selfless nurse prepares to get her patient up

In a moment of national dignity, nurses and other NHS workers, who have been selflessly working flat out in this time of crisis, were warmly given the clap by grateful patients.

One male patient said, "When she saw me struggling to breathe through my respirator, the on-call nurse rushed in to administer an emergency blow job, and now I'm breathing again. I could have died!"

Another reported, "My heart rate fell below 60 beats per minute, which could have been the end of me. The nurse came in and got me to a safe heart rate using what she called the Sixty-Nine Procedure."

But it's not just been medical professionals who have come in for praise.

One dental nurse, seeing symptoms of advanced gum disease in a patient, quickly gave him an oral procedure. She modestly said, "I just did my bit, and now he's smiling again."

Nurses have a long history of helping patients during a national or international crisis. During the Crimean War, Florence Nightingale, a devout Christian, used the missionary position to give many injured soldiers the will to carry on. Today, however, nurses use many different techniques to help their patients, including "doggie style",
(bringing a loveable Labrador Retriever to a hospice to cheer up dying patients), and"Cow Girl" (where the nurse fetches a bottle of fresh milk for the patient daily, to boost his Vitamin D deficiency).

Prime Minister Boris Johnson, standing outside number 10 Downing Street, joined in the praise, remembering an occasion in his past when a pair of nurses, who happened to be twins, helped him out of a bed one morning following nocturnal overexertions.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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