Daily Mail trolls NHS

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Tuesday, 4 December 2018

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The Daily Mail have boasted about their campaign to help the NHS, in which 11,000 people have volunteered to spend a few hours a week helping the underfunded service. Tabloid editor Geordie Greig said, "Why, if only the greedy money-grabbing nurses would show the same generosity and volunteer themselves, the NHS wouldn't be in such a pickle."

An NHS spokesman said that although some voluntary help was welcome, most of those who had turned up had no relevant training whatsoever, and many had not even bothered to contact their local service in advance to inform them. Some had just turned up, bringing their own equipment such as chainsaws, hammers and drills.

One volunteer, Geoff Balls, 47, a professional welder, turned up at Romford hospital, where within five minutes of volunteering he was asked to perform major surgery. What should have been a routine liver transplant turned into a disaster as Balls first welded the mans nipples together, then somehow managed to insert both livers into his buttocks, giving him a "super-booty".

Another volunteer, Angela De'ath, 55, a chef from Chichester, was asked to help out in a radiography ward. When asked to give a CAT scan to a pregnant woman, she accidentally turned the microwave up too high and roasted the patient to a delicious, crispy finish.

Both tragedies will sadly be brushed under the carpet, as the NHS has no money to launch inquiries into the mistakes it makes due to chronic underfunding.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was pleased about the events. "If I become PM, then all NHS staff will be voluntary, and the service will be funded by raffles, bake sales, and pulling out all the gold teeth of the patients who die at their hands."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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