A study by the group Action For Children has found that children as young as 11 have admitted to being terrified about terrorism, homelessness and what’s going to happen after Brexit. This is odd, because kids are normally only concerned about themselves and making a mess.
Prominent Brexiteer and shouter of racist slogans, Chris Dearingly, came out in support of the study waving a St Georges flag screaming:
"Of course their scared! They should be scared! It’s all linked! The liberal elite! The Metropolitan elite! The countryside elite! They're all in on it."
As usual, we were confused, and just trying to enjoy a quiet all-day session in our local boozer, so we let him continue:
"Kids need to be scared about homelessness, because if we don’t leave the EU right now, a Polish gay man will come over to this country and take their house because it’s HIS right! This is what the liberals want."
We tried to calm him down by suggesting what he was saying was “utter fucking nonsense”, and said “fuck off you mad cunt”, but, for some reason, he failed to engage with our subtle negotiating techniques and railed:
"It is a fact. A solid gold-plated fact that terrorism didn’t exist until Islam reared its ugly head out of the Middle East. It’s a fact, and you can’t take that away from me. Kids need to be out on the streets with us, not in schools learning all these false facts about how the EU “funds us” or any other European Elite drivel."
He draped his flag over a chair, and made it clear he was going to sit with us. We really didn’t want this to happen, so we quickly yanked the chair away and he fell to the ground with a meaty thump. We laughed. He did not. Rounding on us fiercely, he screamed:
"Fear is what bound us during the Blitz, and it’ll be what guides us through these dark, foreigner-infested times."
He stalked off to find a local nursery.