Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

Written by Clive Danton

Monday, 23 December 2019

image for Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

Leader of the House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2006, to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.

A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens wrench to twist the cap free.

"Jacob has very weak wrists,' the source reveals. "He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton, and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.

"He's a persistent chap though, and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in the Commons after they'd had new press-down handle cisterns installed.

"Eventually, he gave up and asked the Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, to do it for him.

"However, she had little luck herself after repeated flushings failed to dislodge a stubborn 'submarine' that was stuck on the bottom."

Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle, and once 'made the Queens eyes water' with the firmness of his grip, as he took her hand before kissing it during the recent controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August this year.

However, Rees-Mogg's wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night, telling newsmen: "I'm afraid I can't deny the fact that Jacob's been struggling with that jar.

"It's become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.

"For you see, nobody's got the heart to tell him he's been turning it the wrong way"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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