What is it really like at Eton?

Wednesday, 18 September 2019

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Eton: basically Hogwarts without the magic, education system, or sense of realism

Eton has raised twenty Prime Ministers including Boris Johnson. It has produced countless more posh open-mouthed shit-for-brains parasites, and, as such, has played a crucial role in destroying the myth of meritocracy in the UK for centuries.

The college sits just outside Slough, and is a boarding school for 13- to 18-year-olds. It is among the most expensive schools in the UK.

In their first year, children are told to write a letter to their parents telling them that they are never going home. Many of them never do. The first year is said to be the hardest, with regular pit fights between children, and random increases in fees for the parents. The losers either have to go without dinner, or are expelled. However, to offset the difficulty, they are provided with a puppy for company.

Halfway through the second year, the pupils must prove themselves by strangling their own puppy.

The third year is when the semen-based competitions begin. The Biscuit Game is particularly popular, as are Paint the Headmaster and the Toothpaste Challenge.

In the fourth year, the students must communicate exclusively in Latin, except during sodomy lessons.

After two more years of raw homoerotic privilege, the survivors graduate with high grades and automatic entry to Oxford or Cambridge - provided the insanely-high fees have been regularly paid. Some are sent home on the last day due to a late payment from years earlier.

Yet who would have it any other way? How else would you produce an elite class of exemplary and dignified leaders? Certainly countries like Germany, that don't have a history of inbred self-satisfied exclusivity would kill to have a Chancellor of the calibre of David Cameron. Or, at least, that's what the Eton Newsletter says.

So three cheers for Eton. Long may its undeserving spoiled brats rule over us.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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