Man claims to have found God in Cornwall

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 9 November 2019

image for Man claims to have found God in Cornwall
God apparently wears a size 372 trainer

A man from Cornwall claims to have discovered evidence of God on Bodmin Moor. Geoff Tractor, 47, is an unemployed astronaut from Launceston, and is convinced that the creator of the Universe lives on the remote moorland.

Tractor said, "I was up on the moor a few months ago near the peak of Brown Willy looking for discarded cider bottles, when I saw some unmistakeable tracks. They couldn't have been made by a human, not even a giant." He took numerous photos of the enormous muddy footprints, which biologists have confirmed are too large to be human.

Yet the impressions are not the only evidence Geoff has found. Some weeks later, he spotted a gigantic piece of dung larger than a house. "There bain't no animal on Earth that can lay a log that big. This has to be God-dung."

Since then, the disturbed loner has set traps to try to catch the elusive deity. He began by leaving out a Bible in a giant mousetrap but it only caught local paper thieves.

He tried to be more subtle with his bait, first using children, then eventually the local priest, who agreed to lie in a pitfall trap overnight. However, he has had no success and has called on Bear Grylls to track down the superbeing.

"Bear could find him," said Tractor. "I just know it. But he charges a lot." Tractor has started a fundraising campaign to raise the £3 million required to hire Bear Grylls for a week, which is how long he believes it would take him to catch God.

"I know he's out there, somewhere," said Tractor. "It wouldn't make any sense if he wasn't."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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