The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Prince Harry and his wife Meghan, have a problem: their son Archie has said he refuses to be christened with the name 'Archie', and will not attend his own christening later today.
The royal couple had planned to have the tot baptised by the Archbishop of Canterbury at Windsor Castle, but the choice of name has been a real sticking point in the Windsor household, ever since Archie was born.
For a start, Harry was against it, but, as they say, women know best, and Meghan is a woman. She's also older than Harry.
Then, one of their servants was heard guffawing when the infant's name was mentioned. She was dismissed and taken to the Tower of London for a course of re-education.
The final straw, however, came when Archie, himself, started to show dissent. Endless crying, especially through the night, and repeatedly shitting in his nappies, have caused Meghan and Harry to have second thoughts.
Archie told us:
"Whatever were they thinking of? 'Archie' makes me sound like some villain in a low-budget crime drama, or a dolt with hobnail boots and his shorts in tatters, kicking stones about on some cobbled street in Lancashire between the wars. There's names, and there's names, but I'll be fucked if I'm going to go through life being called something as grim as Archie."
The Queen is thought to be of a similar, but less colourfully expletive, opinion.