Sajid Javid’s “rightly behind bars” inspires new sentencing for Assange at 400 years

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Wednesday, 19 June 2019

image for Sajid Javid’s “rightly behind bars” inspires new sentencing for Assange at 400 years
This may or may not be Plutarch, according to current scholarship

British Home Secretary Sajid Javid’s remark that Julian Assange is “rightly behind bars” has led to further developments on "how long?"

Mr. Javid signed a US extradition request, followed by disclosure that Mr. Assange faces 17 charges and 175 years in prison.

Sources indicate Mr. Sajid's “rightly behind bars” commentary has been inspirational to US authorities.

Perhaps 175 years is not sufficient for the gravity of Mr. Assange’s crimes?

Members of the Viginia Grand Jury have added on.

Mr. Assange—or his remains—would be at age 448 when released, if new suggestions for a 400-year imprisonment hold up.

Review of Mr. Assange’s evil:

*Mr. Assange slept with two women, upon their invitation, but they were not satisfied with his performance. Their complaints thereafter became described as “rape.”

*Investigation of this matter by Swedish authorities has several times been terminated. Most recently they refused to extradite him for anything further.

*After more than a year of ankle bracelet and reporting to the police twice a day, Mr. Assange broke conditions of his bail, concerned he could be extradited to the US.

*That is, as a journalist, he had released embarrassing information on various US war crimes and atrocities.

Mr. Javid and Mr. Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, have responded further.

Both suggest Mr. Assange’s crimes must be considered in the light of historical prerogatives.

Mr. Hunt mentioned “the divine right of kings (and queens)” as the relevant authority in terms of the “weight” of the punishment--emphasis divine.

This “divine right” would "logically extend to government representatives such as himself," Mr. Hunt added modestly.

Mr. Javid: “And as former president of the US, Richard Nixon, stated, ‘If the president does it, it is not illegal’."

"This means we rulers will decide, unimpeded, the appropriate course of action for wildly subversive behavior such as we have here in this rightly behind bars case.”

Scholars from various universities have stepped forward to add historical perspective.

One of these:

"I believe, ladies and gentlemen, it was Plutarch who said . . ."

“The Gentle Hand of the Lord bestows The Brutal Hand of the Ruler—this was of great interest to Shakespeare.”

But a colleague disputed:

“Wasn’t Plutarch, and Shakespeare wasn't interested . . . "

Mr. "Rightly Behind Bars” Javid then stepped forward to settle the matter:

“We must at least concede electedness is next to godliness!”

This last especially influenced the Virginia Grand Jury, leaning forward into a collective “Hear, Hear!” with high fives all around the chamber.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more