5th Grader Demands Mother Tell Him Why He Was An Accident

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 7 April 2019

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Lake County, Minnesota. Feeling that the time was right in order to have that special talk about "the birds and the bees", as well as "the unique moments" that keep life moving, Justin Harris, 10, sat his mother down last Wednesday, and demanded to know why he was an accident.

After strategically (and carefully) deciding not to raise the issue on the long drive to Grandma's house the previous weekend, Justin selected the morning of April 3rd to have the conversation that he knew would leave an uncomfortable silence.

Finding the kitchen table as the appropriate place to raise questions, Justin politely asked for details about the location of the hotel room that she and his "real" father had found after randomly meeting each other in a tavern. He also asked why Mr. Harris (and not the 4 men living upstairs) felt the urgent need to move to Bangladesh after forgetting to put a condom on.

As numerous other questions kept boiling at the forefront of his obsessive-compulsive mind, Justin further interrogated his mother about the liberal arts degree she had been working on before she woke up one morning and decided that 'abortion' was a possible option.

Still sadly confused about the endless "void" he keeps feeling inside while pondering the horrible reality that he will never find true happiness because women never get over their "first loves," Justin also kept asking why he is always being told to go to his room and "listen to music" every time the local Reverend and the Schwan's Delivery Man show up.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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