Subbuteo Football Player Sustains Career-Threatening Injury

Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 5 May 2019

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Number 9 - he's been prolific for the Tigers

FLASHBACK

ON THIS DAY 45 YEARS AGO

A talented footballer's career is hanging in the balance this evening, after a horror injury that will rule him out for at least the rest of the season, and possibly the rest of his life.

Number 9 was playing for Hull City against Queens Park Rangers in the Subbuteo League, when Moys Kenwood, 10, the Tigers' player-manager, overbalanced on the carpet in his parents' lounge, and knelt on the player, crushing his spine, breaking both legs at the ankles, and disengaging him from his plastic base.

The player was immediately treated by Kenwood's dad with glue, but his injuries were so extensive, and the glue took such a long time to dry, that he was sent to the dressing room, and took no further part in the game.

It's a heartbreak for the player who, before today, had scored 119 goals in his last 21 appearances for the Tigers.

And, indeed, it's the latest piece of bad luck for the team, after Number 4 was trodden on last week by Kenwood's younger sister, Joanne, 7. He was so badly injured, he had to be thrown in the bin.

Only last month, the whole pitch, goals and players of both sides (Hull City and Blackpool) were evacuated after an incident with Kenwood's mam's hoover.

A more in-depth analysis of Number 9's injuries will be carried out in the morning.

Kenwood's mam, ironing, commented:

"I told you that would happen if you weren't careful."

The match finished Hull City 12 Queens Park Rangers 8.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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