Fat kids encouraged to do more sport

Friday, 26 April 2019

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Britain's new generation

Japanese companies have begun investing heavily in the UK in people who they see as sports stars of the future - but they are not choosing the most athletic types. The Japanese name for Britain is "Shibō Orokamono no Shima", which translates as "island of fat fools". It is now seen a potential breeding ground for the sumo wrestlers of tomorrow.

Outside a school in Nottingham, a robot is distributing pies to children who have signed up to the scheme, which rewards obese kids with more food if they promise to go to sumo training once a week. The scheme has proved very popular, with 103% of Year 8 signed up. Many of the parents cannot afford to pay for their own children's meals, and it is suspected that some may have signed up twice to get extra food.

Sport UK, which funds many Olympics sports from lottery funding - their motto is "redistributing wealth from the poor to the well-off" - have said they support the idea. Spokesman Geoff Pole-vault said, "I hadn't heard about it, but it's good that we are encouraging a new generation of sportsmen. Sport is a healthy pursuit, and it's better to be doing sport than sitting at home getting fat."

Many young sumo stars already have their idol. Tommy "Tubby" McAskill, 19, of Motherwell, has won multiple sumo matches in Japan and weighs a whopping 38 stone. For Tommy the offers are flooding in - he won a Guinness World Record for having a cholesterol level higher than the whole of Belgium, and was recently offered work as a stunt-whale for the new Free Willy flim.

So, for the obese youth of Britain, there really is a bright (if short-lived) future to look forward to.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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