Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Monday, 29 October 2018

image for Extravagant Budget Expected With The End Of Austerity!
A lizard celebrating the end of Austerity, or it's end being in sight, or Austerity being indefinite.

An extravagant budget is expected following Theresa May's announcement at Conference that Austerity is over. Just revised to "an end to Austerity is in sight." Expected to later be adapted to "okay, Austerity's indefinite."

With the most funds available for a national Budget in eight years, we look at what you can expect;

Chancellor Philip Hammond is expected to look smug and hold a red suitcase in an unnatural position in front of 10 Downing Street.

He is then expected to announce uninspiring spending plans in the House Of Commons to weird noises of solidarity from MP's on benches beside and behind him, at times being literally backslapped.

With "Austerity being over", or rather the "end to Austerity being in sight", Hammond is expected to make the lives of people who struggle the most, absolutely the same. Maybe even worse.

He will then most definitely announce lavishly general and mundane spending plans which won't filter down to make any difference to the lives of ordinary people.

It is then expected ordinary people will feel incredibly indifferent to the very same Budget that Conservatives will be smiling, happy and victorious about.

Self-congratulating is anticipated due to things like reducing the cost of a pint by a penny, which makes them feel they're at one with the working man, or increasing defence spending by an obscene amount of money, or giving the NHS an incremental increase in funding in relation to inflation over a number of years.

Then it is expected that Theresa May's assertion that "Austerity is over", revised to "an end to Austerity is in sight", will be adapted to "Ok, Austerity's indefinite".

Even if it's not. For this is the Conservatives, and they are particularly conservative Conservatives. And this will be an amazingly austere budget, given that Austerity is over. Or it's "end is in sight". Or "ok, austerity's indefinite."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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