Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 20 April 2018

image for Prince Charles to be Next Commonwealth Head and Change its Name to Royalwealth
Well hello, dusky maidens, would you like to get jiggy with a Royal?

Diplomatic correspondent Paxton Quigley has learned that Commonwealth leaders have agreed the appointment of Prince Charles as the next head of the Commonwealth. In his inaugural speech as head, HRH Prince Charles immediately announced the name change from Commonwealth to Royalwealth.

Leaders of the Commonwealth had been discussing the issue at a meeting behind closed doors at the Windsor Castle pub on Harrow Road in west London having taken into account the Queen’s wishes to find a job for her layabout do-nothing scrounger son.

Only 48 hours before the meeting, the Queen had said it was her "sincere wish" that Prince Charles would succeed her in the role "one day". Prime Minister Theresa May had also given her backing to Prince Charles, knowing that the appointment of the socially awkward heir to the throne would make her look almost human.

The non-hereditary role would not have automatically passed to Prince Charles, with some suggestions it might rotate among the 53 commonwealth leaders, but this possibility was dismissed by the prime ministers of Australia, Canada and New Zealand, despite claims of racism and cronyism.

Here is the complete text of the prince’s acceptance speech:

“I would like to express what an honour it is for the Commonwealth to have me as its new head. I have to point out that I am not common, being of royal blood, although I am extremely wealthy thanks to my hard work and endeavour in being born into the Windsor family, previously known as Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, and my plundering of the Duchy of Cornwall. In recognition of this great honour I am announcing forthwith that the name of this longstanding institution will immediately change to the Royalwealth. You may ask why it is that I have been appointed and not some colonial wallah. Well, we can’t have some coloured chappie in this role, can we? I mean, how would that look?”

At this point, liveried footmen in powdered wigs and breeches announced that the acceptance ceremony was over and ushered the befuddled prince out of the room.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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