This week the second largest multi-disciplinary sporting event in the world began in Australia. To many it is just another fixture in the athletics calendar, but it is also a bizarre relic of how the British Empire tries to stay relevant in the modern era.
Historian Geoff History, the inventor of history, explained. "It is sad that the British have never come to terms with the great evils they perpetrated on the world in the name of colonialism. To this day they remain the only country in the world to have committed genocide on five different continents. It's not really something to be celebrated. Trying to make a sporting event out of it is exactly as if Attila the Hun started selling his home-made jam."
He continued. "Other countries, like Germany, are open about facing their difficult pasts. Imagine if they hosted a major international sporting event where they competed against all the countries that the Nazis occupied. It just wouldn't be cricket. Literally."
England-Gibraltar colonial sporting jamboree fan and Brexit voter Geoff Victorian had a different view. "I just think it's nice that we can run against the Indians instead of massacring them. Of course the Jamaicans usually win all the running races. They should put in more sports for white people, like darts and snooker, just to be fair."