LONDON, ENGLAND - The damning economic report issued today revealed the lowest GDP growth figures in British history, effectively rendering Britain a third world country.
Economists, politicians and self-proclaimed "experts" from down the pub were quick to point fingers as to who was responsible.
Many blamed an open-door immigration policy or the UK cutting all export sectors other than obscure ones, making the UK's main export lawnmower pornography which, it goes without saying, doesn't making for healthy economic growth.
I bet you didn't even know that there was such a thing... but I digress.
However, economists are largely coming to the conclusion that it was the lack of a third runway at Britain's largest airport, London Heathrow, that is responsible for the fact that we will all be requiring UN development aid to fund that third flat-screen TV in a few years.
Chief economist John B. Oring, when interviewed, stated that: "If Heathrow had another 500m stretch of asphalt for which to land commercial aircraft Britain would have, overnight, reclaimed Her colonial greatness. All of the colonies would have asked, nay, begged, to re-join our glorious empire and we could have, once again, screwed with half-naked Indians."
He paused for a moment to reflect on what may have been, a visible look of sadness colours his face. He shakes his head and then continued: "But now Britain will have to shrink sheepishly to the back and join the third world, amongst the likes of some of the world's most regressive societies, namely Sierra Leone, the Gambia and Wolverhampton."
"I can just feel the French laughing already" he added.