Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was found unharmed on Friday afternoon at the All-England Lawn & Tennis Club in London. Her discovery was preceded by a failed and unnerving thirty-five minute search of the Wimbledon tennis grounds by her security detail.
According to a Royal statement, the queen left her traditional seating box on Center Court to fulfill her customary tradition of visiting with the ball boys in the Members-Only Main Building. At this time, Her Majesty's personal bodyguard failed in his duty to follow and monitor her. A Royal investigation is pending to determine how such a gaffe went unnoticed.
Personal-Safety legend, Sir Jock Strap, blamed the prevailing consensus that average British citizens just couldn't be bothered about the Queen anymore.
On route to the Main Lounge, Her Majesty adhered to her previous routine, entering through Side Door B, however, due to emergency maintenance it had been temporarily modified to instead lead to the Men's Player-Only Locker Room.
Her Majesty failed to obey the "do not enter" notice and once through the door it automatically locked behind the queen.
Fearing imminent public backlash over Her Majesty's failure to follow ordered civil society rules, the Royal House was quick to point the finger at the incredibly tiny font size printed on the notice.
A chubby grounds attendant quickly appeared in front of cameras and admitted as much, pressing home the point that the queen would still not have been able to decipher the notice even had she been wearing her usual bifocals.
In the most ironic of twists, Her Majesty was inadvertently stumbled upon by her very own bodyguard who had left her side to relieve himself in the Locker Room toilets.
"Piss poor" preparation was cited in private as the cause for the bodyguard becoming lost for thirty minutes while trying to find the new temporary Men's Locker Room door amidst the maintenance confusion. Her Majesty was incredibly agitated, flustered, and of course disturbed at having seen a urinal for the first time.
After being escorted to safety, the queen was noticeably relieved but failed to see any humor in the stink-up.
To add insult to injury, further details of the incident were later leaked to the Press. They revealed the Men's Locker Room was empty but for tennis-loving Member of Parliament, Boris Johnson, who possessed unauthorized special access codes to the entire grounds.
Upon entering the Locker Room, Her Majesty noticed a partially sealed bathroom stall door and in her words fell victim to, "an emitting stench that I continued to sniff at for some disgusting curiosity"."
Mr. Johnson, upon exiting the stall and having lost the access codes among the toilet paper reams, was forced to spend with the queen, arguably, the most uncomfortable thirty-minutes in British History.
European Parliament President, Jean-Claude Juncker wryly noted, "yet another brown-eye for the Brits." However, the harshest words were reserved by the French Ambassador concerning Boris's vulgarity, "I have been subjected to his sickening, perverse acts for years now. As have my friends, colleagues, all fine EU citizens. He doesn't even try to hide it. He's crop dusted the crap out of us all."