Finley Quaid Recovering After Paris Concert Shootings

Friday, 20 November 2015

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A total of 89 people fans were killed and more than 100 injured when anti trip hop gunmen stormed the Bataclan concert hall during a gig by UK singing artist Finley Quaid on Friday.

Finley, 58, whose only UK chart hit to date is 'Because I love you so', was rushed off stage by 12 security men who covered the singer with his trademark Vivian Westwood tunic, as the gunmen started firing.

Speaking from his hospital bed, which he had paid a roofer friend to have moved from Paris to his mum's house in Harlow, he told how that terrible night in Paris had devastated him. Fighting back the tears as he ate a banana recounted how one of 12 security men who had covered and rushed him to safety had unknowingly knocked his sunglasses onto the floor and in all the confusion, stood on them.

"They're gone forever", he sobbed.

He explained he had to sought refuge from the hostage-takers through an emergency exit next to the stage, which led to a corridor, but after realizing he had left a gold plated Sekonda watch in his dressing room "It meant the world to me. It was [a] present I got for my birthday one year, from the bass player from the Brand New Heavies, I think... I forget his name, but must be worth at least £50."

"When I told the security men about the watch and all 12 offered to get it from my dressing room... They all turned and ran in different directions, back into the sound of gunfire. I never saw those brave bouncers alive again." he said peeling an orange.

Alone, desperate and now hungry, Finley scaled a 6ft ladder and found refuge in a tiny ventilation shaft with his legs dangling on the outside of the building.

When police finally stormed the Bataclan building they were so busy with shooting gunmen and searching concert goers for drugs, they somehow overlooked checking the ventilation shaft Finley was hiding in. After 3 days of being wedged in the shaft Finley's nightmare was finally over when his legs were spotted by an eagle eye roofer working half a mile away.

"I owe that roofer my life... And £20 for getting my bed here" Finley said last night as he finished off a whole bag of plums. "Also my heart goes out to the victims family's of that night. I love you all and i'll especially never forget my Spanish fans who died. TRIP HOP LIVES."

Since that interview, Finley had changed the background colour to black on his MYSPACE page and uploaded a new banner with the words TRIP HOP WILL LIVE FOREVER and underneath A £200 reward is offered for an info on a trilby hat Finley believes was stolen after the gunmen started shooting that night.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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