Yesterday morning, everyone in the lower forty-eight states was killed or critically wounded in the worst mass shooting in U.S. history.
Investigators from Canada's RCMP and Mexico's Policia Federales issued the following joint statement (as they shared a joint): "We heard what sounded like hundreds of millions of gunshots, and raced across our respective borders to find hundreds of millions of gunshot victims. It appears that approximately 211 million shots were fired simultaneously, and 210 million people fell. That's damned impressive accuracy."
When reached at her log cabin in Wasila, Alaska. NRA spokesmilf Sierra Paylin retorted: "Big deal! I'll betcha a lot of the shooters were using shotguns. That's cheating!"
"But," she continued, "that's really beside the point. The NRA has always maintained that universal access to guns would restore peace to America, and, goddamn it, they were right all along! I'll betcha can hear a pin drop in the heart of Manhattan right now!"