NUS bans Holocaust Commemoration at UK Unis

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Monday, 29 June 2015


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Notable Champagne-Humanitarian-Edgy-Rhetorical-Club, the NUS (National-Kropotkinite Union of Sympathisers) have taken advantage of the post-exam lull by sneaking in a typically creative and imaginative motion.

The motion was passed by 19 votes to zero, as most students were out getting plastered.

Because, after all, it's the end of the university year in most of the UK, and most students are reluctant to spend a single penny of our student loan for the vast majority of the academic year.

The motion, translated from the original Pig-German, reads as follows:

Holocaust Memorial Day must be verboten in all UK universities.

The commemoration of the Holocaust is impermissible for several reasons.

First of all, the unaccountable and illegitimate Zionist regime in Palestine is much worse than the Nazis.

Therefore, it is completely unfair to the various integral synthetic components of the Palestinian community at our universities to commemorate Holocaust Memorial Day…

When something immeasurably worse than the gas chambers of Auschwitz is being perpetrated upon every single Palestinian individual in the whole of Palestine, every single moment of their lives.

Secondly, those who moralistically condemn Hamas are taking a one-sided and partisan view. The Hamas boss, whatever his name is, is just a strong leader in a tight place who just did what he had to do.

And it is absolutely undeniable that hate speech about Hamas also makes Palestinians studying in the UK feel very unsafe.

Yes: one correspondent I recently imagined told me that every time they see a French, US, Australian or other EU news channel referring to Hamas as "terrorists" (sic), they are terrified that a violent gang of vicious Zionist Stormtroopers are just going to burst through the door of their uni accommodation in London…

And viciously behead them and their housemates, steal their livers, and sell them to the equally Zionistly-wicked Daily Express catering staff.

This, needless to say, is by no means an exaggerated fear. Many students I've represented, including many white, middle-class Trotskyites and champagne Bukharinites, have suggested that the Mossad and the IDF have already secretly penetrated millions upon millions of UK universities…

And that this trend is only likely to deepen immeasurably and ineffably further, unless the fascistic Zionist state is held to account.

Bear in mind also that UK universities are heavily dependent on funding by the evil Zionist regime, and that the Zionists also control the media.

…No, no, no! Not the Jews, but the Zionists. The NUS does not support antisemitism. Antisemitism is kind of bad form in this day and age.

And in any case, that's a completely different matter, after all ;)

So as regards criticising Hamas; this will now be universally acknowledged to be a form of hate speech.

I mean, why do people condemn Hamas and not (say) the Khmer Rouge, Mussolini's Italy, Genghis Khan, Cyrus of Persia, or…

(Sorry, Wikipedia just crashed, but I'm sure you get the picture).

Thirdly, the Holocaust is opportunistically mobilised by many disabled individuals…

Erm, sorry, integral synthetic components of the disabled community…

In order to criticise what these evil psychos and sexist loonies hatefully and disingenuously characterise as "disability-selective abortion."

So in future, anyone who is remotely tempted to express such malignant and dehumanising views, such utter paranoid hatred and misogynistic contempt for the female community, will be disciplined.

This is an exceptionally blind, crippling and sociopathic form of hate speech, and there can be no place whatsoever for such vicious lunatics and lame-arse nutters at our universities.

And why don't these dumb fucks talk about something more important instead, like the representation of disabled people on Radio Four or in 80s trip-hop or something? Talk about bloody priorities, mate! (FFS! These guys are just retarded, I swear!)

Fourthly, the Holocaust is also opportunistically mobilised by Freemasons.

But then, the New World Order are actually controlled by the Freemasons; I'll let you do your own research online for that one.

Fifthly, it's alleged that many integral synthetic components of the:

LGBT-something-or-other-blah-blah-blah-bloody-boom-boom were massacred in the Holocaust.

However, while LGBT rights were certainly an achingly fashionable mainstream-progressive cause in the 1960s, they are now a fundamentally reactionary, conservative, homobourgeois phenomenon.

99% of LGBT activism now is...

Yeah, wait for it!...

Generally it is....


I.e., utterly conformist, mainstream and non-edgy.

Oof! Bet you didn't see that one coming, mate!

Hence, our national student community in the UK unanimously condemns LGBT activism as it currently exists, and anyone who disagrees (especially cynical, paid-up, self-loathing comprador intellectuals from abroad that cannot be deemed as speaking for their own people), should be silenced by any means necessary.

Here are some responses. But unfortunately, these responses do not seem to cohere very well with a quote from a notable NUS correspondent…

Which latter passionately assured me that the NUS exists to represent the interests of all students, and to permit students to have a voice and express their views, so that a healthy atmosphere of campaigning and discussion can be maintained.

Sara, a student of art from Israel, suggested a more objective approach:

I like the little bit about Wikipedia crashing.

Anyway, it's easy for these people to moralise about Israel from the outside.

So if they actually came to Israel and got to meet a wide variety of people and see the place from the inside, they could get a more nuanced view. But that would be a little mainstream and dusty, wouldn't it!

Lucie, a physics student from France who is hearing impaired, drew a historical precedent.

The Nazis also tried to stifle dissent regarding their views and policies on disability. Bronze eagles of a feather flock together, it seems.

Ahmed, a British student of literature from a Palestinian Muslim family, was unhappy with being talked down to by the conspicuously benevolent NUS:

This is absolute bollocks.

I'm a Muslim, I don't have a problem with gay people, and some of my Muslim fellow students are actively involved in LGBT rights.

I know a woman at one of the UK unis, who is also a Muslim, and who is in a relationship with a woman from Saudia Arabia who is seeking asylum.

And now this NUS motion makes her afraid to express her own views at uni!

So who the hell do these NUS tossers think they are? And who gave them the right to speak for us? And who are the real imperialists here?

So, you can be a Muslim and express your views, as long as you agree with the NUS party line? They're just full of shit!

Oh, and my parents are Palestinians, and our whole family despises Hamas for killing innocent civilians. Hamas don't represent all Palestinians. And they sure as hell don't represent us!

I mean, I presume I am still allowed to say that, right? I do hope I don't need to ask the NUS for permission?!

My aforementioned achingly enlightened NUS contact, Marquis Flobadob Goebbels Zinoviev of New Siberia, responded:

What? OMG! I just can't believe how that Ahmed, that cynical, pretentious, neocon fellow-traveller, is literally selling out his own people!

I also contacted a Hamas spokesperson (or more precisely, "spokesman,") who said:

Ha! More useful idiots at the NUS! You know, the good thing about useful idiots is that they really are kind of convenient for us.

But funnily enough, ahhh, what they don't realise is that if they were ever travelling on a bus in Palestine, I wouldn't hesitate for one miniscule little moment to blow the living shite out of them, and send their charred and shredded remnants home in a box to their weeping families.

Or in fairness, more like their "not-so-weeping families." They're probably sick of the sight of them by now.
Marquis Flobadob responded:

Well, I guess, I mean...

I mean, I'm maybe not, perhaps, entirely, you know, 100% in agreement with that Hamas informant… maybe.

Still, you can understand why they are angry, right? I can't really blame him for wanting to blow me up in the name of a noble cause.

I mean, if I were him, I'd probably feel exactly the same!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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