Universities to Close

Funny story written by lukejay

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

A number of unauthenticated online universities have been ordered to close their gateways by education and government officials.

The aim is to make an example of fake universities that provide degrees for students who do not want to spend three plus years studying in bars and nightclubs.

"It will help to prove scientific research that a degree cannot possibly be obtained without overzealous consumption of alcohol and junk food, and a healthy amount of sleep deprivation", said Bo Bunson, England's Social University expert.

Mr Bunson said unofficial universities could make the mistake of awarding degrees to focused and empowered individuals, instead of students who seek media attention by uploading the drunken shenanigans to YouTube.

The move follows evidence of only a small number of recognised universities offering authentic degrees.

Last year, the 150000 university students successfully completed their degree courses online; collecting a degree certificate they had designed themselves from their own printer.

Instead of attending lecture halls, the students' bedrooms serve as the university campus completing coursework that amounts to filling out an application form and various online quizzes.

The most prominent degrees awarded by unofficial universities are in subjects such as: Vampire Hunting, Tying Ties and Shoelaces, Elvish, Sitting Quietly, List Making, and Personal Grooming.

A vast number of online university graduates are employed in the same positions as official graduates, including in such highly sought roles as: Burger Flipper, Retail Slave, and Street Cleaner.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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