General Election Red Herring: Piers Morgan Wins Alex Salmond Nationalism Award

Written by TM_Dealer

Monday, 9 February 2015

Piers Morgan is not only one of the UK's most lovable and highly respected journalists; he has now been given an award from Alex Salmond for his sterling contributions to the Scottish Nationalist cause.

Salmond groans:

"Personally, when I say that man's face, it makes me want to punch a kitten. To punch a kitten in the… well, this is a mixed audience, ask your parents to explain it to you later.

"But yes, if we'd had our independence, we would never have had to see him on TV again. This should have been our trump card for convincing Scottish people to vote for independence; no more Piers Morgan on the television!

"I mean, forget all this here about the economy; that would've all fallen into place later. Any price would've been worth not seeing this man on the television.

"Aye, if only we'd thought about that one, no-one would have contributed more to our cause than Piers; not even William Wallace or a certain highly esteemed and immaculately modest SNP leader!"

But Piers is distinctly underwhelmed by the award:

"I've achieved a lot of great things in my time," he sneers.

"But being praised by a tinpot Giuseppe Mazzini is not one of them. Getting praised by someone like that has to be the biggest career low of my life.

"As I said at the Levenson Inquiry (more or less), associating with this chauvinistic and self-indulgent project makes me feel as though I were some washed-up scummy hack with a gaping moral vacuum, that sucks everything and everyone of any value whatsoever into total oblivion!"

Well… no one here is accusing you of that, Piers. I've always admired your candour and passion.

Oh by the way, this story has absolutely nothing to do with the 2015 General Election; but then, most of what we hear from The Big Three (and indeed the smaller parties) over the next while will not be particularly consequential or ethically meaningful.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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